I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
