was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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