Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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