You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
