I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
