turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
