You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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