She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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