I think I won the penis lottery.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
