That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
