if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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