You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We left an ass print on the piano.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
