well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
