I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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