Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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