Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
