I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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