advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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