took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
