I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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