Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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