I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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