doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Randomize
