true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
