fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
