While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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