I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
