you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
