yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
