meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
