So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
