How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
