I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I intend to get homeless drunk
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
