mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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