Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
