3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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