My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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