dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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