Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
