Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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