Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
