I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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