who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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