He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
