My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
