I'm jealous of your bromance
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
