I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
