So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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