I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
