She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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