before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
